Current Affairs

A Magazine of Politics and Culture

Fuck It, 21 More Democratic Candidates Running In 2020

Plus: Their Chances of Winning Against Trump

filed in
  1. Criss Angel: 90 percent chance of beating Trump
  2. Chris Evans: 1 percent chance of beating Trump
  3. A Horse: Usually the horse comes in toward the end of a funny list. Not this time. 25 percent chance of beating Trump.
  4. Omarosa Manigault: 50 percent chance of beating Trump
  5. A Cowboy Boot With A Pride Flag Sticking Out Of It: 25 percent chance 
  6. BP Chairwoman Susan Dio: 0 percent chance
  7. Elizabeth Holmes: 5 percent chance
  8. Any Serial Killer: 20 percent chance
  9. The Gene That Determines Height: 91 percent chance
  10. Pewdiepie’s Dad: 40 percent chance
  11. A Dying Maidenhair Fern: 2 percent chance
  12. The Good Car Ideas Guy From That I Think You Should Leave Sketch: Almost certain victory over Trump. 
  13. Cesium-137: 30 percent chance, but 100 percent chance given prolonged exposure
  14. The Throat Chakra: 10 percent chance
  15. A Goldfish Trapped In A Novelty Platform Boot: 10 percent chance
  16. Bari Weiss: 0 percent chance
  17. Hillary Clinton: 0 percent chance
  18. Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street: 14 percent chance
  19. Poseidon, God Of The Ocean: 80 percent chance, given projected sea level rise
  20. A Vegan Chorizo Sausage That Owns A Prison: 3 percent chance
  21. Carrabba’s Italian Grill Co-Founder Johnny Ca—I’m sorry, we’ve just received word that Johnny Carrabba has withdrawn his candidacy following widespread criticism of his platform (“If it’s not about pasta, I don’t care about it”). Not that it matters anymore, but he’d have had a 30 percent chance of beating Trump.

If you appreciate our work, please consider making a donation, purchasing a subscription, or supporting our podcast on Patreon. Current Affairs is not for profit and carries no outside advertising. We are an independent media institution funded entirely by subscribers and small donors, and we depend on you in order to continue to produce high-quality work.

More In:

Cover of latest issue of print magazine

Announcing Our Newest Issue

Featuring

on-the-ground-reporting from an aid mission to blockaded Cuba, and interviews from the depths of the Louisiana bayou, where a folk artist’s disappearance leaves lasting questions. Learn about the arsonist eco-radicals who ignited the Green Scare, and the Communist-run town in Spain whose mayor has placed a bounty for Donald Trump's arrest. Dive into Denmark’s Dogme 95 film movement, before asking: Why does astrology persist? Expect to hear from a former-cop-turned-pacifist about the Bruce Springsteen concert that changed his life, before sitting down with Judith Butler to examine the "imaginary enemy" of gender ideology. It’s a jam-packed issue, filled with deep-dives and delights, and we can’t wait for you to read it.

The Latest From Current Affairs