Amazon is excited to move to Crystal City!
We understand that some residents have expressed concerns about the big changes in store for Northern Virginia, but never fear: Amazon is committed to giving back to the community. As a token of neighborly goodwill, Amazon invites all local residents who are displaced, de-housed, or otherwise severely impacted by HQ2 to try out our brand-new subscription offer: Amazon Prime Nomad.
Critics claim that Amazon’s move to Northern Virginia will cost taxpayers a minimum of $1.8 billion dollars in subsidies, exacerbate the region’s housing affordability crisis, and displace thousands of low-income residents. But in reality, Amazon Prime Nomad members will have access to thousands of movies, TV shows, and music albums, plus unlimited access to several hundred top Kindle books, and more—discounted to only $5.99 per month! Residents temporarily bereft of housing due to the effects of Amazon’s new headquarters can now access the incredible benefits of Amazon Prime for less than half the price of a regular subscription.
That’s not all: For a limited time only, Prime Nomad subscribers will even receive a FREE audiobook from our self-help bestsellers list, which includes such classics as Learning to Live with Change and Making Money Made Easy. (Fun fact: Did you know some private health centers will let you donate your plasma up to twice a week?)
Remember, just like our regular Prime members, Prime Nomad members get FREE two-day shipping on all eligible items. And because we realize that newly eligible Prime Nomad subscribers no longer have a home address for Amazon to deliver to, a Prime Nomad subscription also comes with FREE access to an AmazonLiberty Locker! These lockers will be conveniently located in each of the 77 Whole Foods locations coming soon to the Washington, D.C. metro area. No longer burdened by having to maintain a personal residence, Prime Nomad subscribers can use their newfound liberty to check out the nearest Whole Foods in-house espresso cafe, organic superfood restaurant, or kombucha bar. Thanks to Amazon’s unprecedented economies of scale, we are happy to announce that customers eligible for Nomad benefits can upgrade to oat, soy, or almond milk on the espresso beverage of their choice—at no additional cost!
We know transitions can be hard, especially for diverse, mixed-income families that have called Northern Virginia their home for decades. We understand and sympathize with their concerns. As a one-time offer, all Prime Nomad customers who were decoupled from their homes will be eligible for a special Amazon care package, including an AmazonBasics insulated tent (our best seller!), an AmazonBasics metal shopping cart, four pairs of AmazonBasics all-weather wool socks, one AmazonBasics reusable cup, and three handfuls of AmazonBasics loose change. Yes, we’ve already checked: The entire Nomad care package fits easily inside an AmazonLiberty locker, with plenty of room to spare!
Interested in lending an additional hand to our community revitalization efforts? Amazon customers who are not eligible for Prime Nomad can still contribute through our new-and-improved Amazon Smile program. Amazon will donate 0.5 percent of all qualifying purchases on smile.amazon.com to a local charity of your choice. Simply select “Amazon Prime Nomad” from our approved list of charities, and every purchase you make on Amazon will go directly toward helping communities in Northern Virginia that face temporary economic disruption on the path to overall economic development.
Amazon knows that combating poverty is not just about charity, but rather about opportunities for growth. While Amazon is unable to offer Prime Nomad members any job opportunities at our new state-of-the-art headquarters in Crystal City, we are proud to offer every qualified applicant an exciting Pathway To Work internship at our windowless sorting facility in Delaware. Although we briefly considered relocating this facility overseas, we at Amazon promise to always prioritize community over profitability.
(A note to our shareholders: This warehouse employment program is subsidized by a government “Opportunity Grant” of $1.5 billion from the state of Delaware. Amazon’s profitability will remain unaffected.)
Wherever you live, whether it’s a six-bedroom or a penthouse, a trailer or snugly tucked inside an AmazonLiberty locker, Amazon is committed to equitable growth and shared prosperity. With generous community-oriented programs like Amazon Prime Nomad, we at Amazon can rest easily knowing that the rising tide of HQ2 in Northern Virginia will truly lift all boats.
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