Joe Biden’s brain is going to sleep in front of us. You continue to support him by staggering margins. You explain to me that he’s full of wisdom and common sense; for example, he expects Republicans to just wake up the day after Trump is voted out of office and go, “Whoa, that was weird. I can’t wait to help struggling Americans by passing bipartisan legislation, you know, that thing I love to do.” He has reasonable, moderate positions on issues like climate change such as, “Fuck it, I’ll be dead, may as well pocket that sweet, sweet fossil fuel money.” You and Biden wear the same aviators; you’re convinced they make you look cool, and a little dangerous, like a TV cop who doesn’t play by the rules. I understand all of that.
Look, I’m not too proud to beg here. What I need is for you to not vote for the candidate whose brain is melting and who is going to hand your grandchildren a world that is literally on fire. In exchange, I am willing to offer you some things you’ve always wanted from me.
Some concessions I’m willing to make:
- Steely Dan is great. I’m sorry I called it “Dad Music” all through high school. Aja is a masterpiece. Every no-wave indie rock band in Bushwick is just trying to sound like Steely Dan. You were right about Steely Dan.
- We’ll wash the car by hand together.
- You can help me update my C.V., and give me advice about going on interviews.
- I will watch Bill Maher with you once a month. I can’t promise to ever understand why you are entertained by this blackhole where charisma goes to die, this Islamophobic asshole who alternates complaining that millennials are a culture of victims with whining about being personally oppressed because he can’t say racial slurs on live TV. I can’t promise that I won’t repeatedly point out these facts while we’re watching his show. That being said, I will watch with you once a month.
- War movies? Let’s go.
- I will never say, “Okay, boomer.” That one was ruined anyway the minute it showed up in the New York Times, just like everything else the moment it shows up in the New York Times. Still, you have my word.
- When you send me an e-mail with the subject “fwd:fwd:fwd:Kids These Days Just Don’t Remember,” I promise to read it in full and respond with some variation on, that’s true, I certainly don’t remember when cars didn’t have seatbelts and every square inch of paint was loaded with lead.
- I promise to take credit for “killing” one pastime per year.
- I’ll wear a suit to temple.
In exchange for the above concessions, all I ask is that you recognize that Joe Biden is an insanely bad candidate to support in the Democratic primary. Also, if you want to please acknowledge that capitalism is theft, that would be swell.