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Current Affairs

A Magazine of Politics and Culture

Twenty Fresh Hot Takes on Gender That He Won’t *Believe*, But What Else Is New

The takes will continue until gender is solved.

Prepare yourself for the third installment of the popular series: Fresh Hot Takes On Gender. Read the prior installments: Part I and Part II.

  1. My Deepest Desire Is To Be A Fat Happy Mushroom Cavorting At A Maiden’s Feet
  2. Anyone Who Doesn’t Want To Transition Has To Live As An Anchorite For 50 Years To Prove That Being Cis Isn’t Just A Social Contagion
  3. When Will We Solve The Problem Of Gender So That, As A Society, We Can Turn Our Full Attention To The Muddled Fruit/Vegetable Binary
  4. Politely Requesting More Fantasy Novels Where All The Women Wear Full Armor And All The Men Wear Diaphanous Robes
  5. People Talk A Lot About “Desexualizing” Female Breasts But Somehow No One Has Time For My Speech About “Resexualizing” Male Nipples
  6. Proposing “Hench” As The New Pronoun For If You’re Not Really Sure What You Are But Will Blindly Accept Whatever Gender Identity Your Boss Tells You To Have
  7. “Haughty And Fell” Is A Phrase From Tolkien’s Legendarium That We Think Is Sexy And We Just Want People To Know About it
  8. Relatedly: The Daily Struggle Of Figuring Out Whether You Yourself Wish To Be “Haughty And Fell,” Or If You Are Attracted To Other People Being “Haughty and Fell,” Or If It’s A h&f4h&f Type Situation
  9. Jadzia Dax And Ezri Dax Are The Embodiment Of Those “How I See Myself” Versus “What I’m Really Like” Memes And What Does This Have To Do With Gender Well Nothing Except The Trill Are An Obvious Metaphor About Trans Identity And How You Can Switch Your Gender Presentation And Maybe Become Cool But Probably Still Be Your Same Dopey Self
  10. End Copyright So We Can Force-Femme Harry Potter
  11. Modern Men Dream of Being Heroes Because They Feel Emasculated By Society And I Totally Get That Because I Too Was Once A Shy Child
  12. It Should Be Possible To Fully Switch Sexes Back And Forth Like Clothing And Yes I Am Saying That A Dick Is Nothing More Than A Customizable Accessory
  13. Catholic And Protestant Are Two Genders of Christianity And In Your Heart You Know This Is True And Also What Their Kinks Are*
  14. When My Brother Was A Child He Divided The World Into “Wheels” And “Not-Wheels” And Is This Maybe A Better Gender Binary And Also Why Did He Consider Submarines “Wheels”*
  15. “Cool Girls” And “Nerd Boys” Are The Same Gender: You Decide If This Is An Insult Or Not, Because Either Way It Is True
  16. All First Dates Should Take Place At Stage-fighting Workshops Because If You and Your Partner Can’t Swordfight Your Enemies While Standing Back To Back Then What Are You Even Doing
  17. All Second Dates Should Involve One of You Receiving A Minor Wound And The Other Tending It Lovingly Because It’s Pretty Important To Establish Whether You Can Handle That Kind Of Situation
  18. All Third Dates Should Involve A Duel With One Of Your Enemies Because It’s A Metaphor For Facing Your Demons Which Is Vital Before You Can Commit And Getting Back To Gender Yes Your Demons Are Always Male I Don’t Need To Explain This Do I
  19. Who Do I Apologize To If I Accidentally Misgender Myself When Speaking About Myself In The Third Person? And Other Questions To Distract HR With While You Covertly Organize Your Workplace
  20. Brooding Silently In My Leather Wingback Chair About The Meaning Of The Term “Transmasculine“: More Updates As They Occur
*for more information, please see the Chart of Charts in the Aug/Sept 2020 issue

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