Recently, Current Affairs has received several reader complaints regarding a number of web articles on feminist topics written by our editor-in-chief—who is not, to the best of our available knowledge, a woman. Several letter-writers have urged Current Affairs to hire more non-men writers to cover these important topics. On the one hand, Current Affairs would like to point out that over 50 percent of its editorial staff are non-men, many of whom are too busy writing articles on things like arbitration clauses, white supremacy, and Star Trek to personally bestir themselves every time a Woman Problem appears in the news.
On the other hand, the scourge of patriarchy is universal, even in the editorial offices of Current Affairs. Two of our non-men editors have written numerous innovative pieces of gender analysis, only to see their work mysteriously “cut for space” at the last minute. We feel that the time has come to speak out about this oppressive culture of censorship. Does the editor-in-chief derive some sick pleasure from silencing his non-men subordinates? Does he think their bold dissections of traditional gender norms are too radical? Does he resent the Senior Editor’s recent refusal to authorize his use of company money to turn his Manatee Facts Podcast into a feature-length film? Is he appalled at the Amusements Editor’s too-frequent use of, quote, “ghastly swears”?
While the essays themselves have disappeared, we present to you the titles of these fine pieces, so that you may gain a sense of what they were like before they were brutally axed by the patriarchy.
- Dating Has Been Terrible Since The Dawn Of Time And No Earthly Power Will Ever Change That
- If Men Have To Learn To Change Diapers, Women Must Learn To Change Fuseboxes
- (Counterpoint: What Use Does A Woman Who Can Change A Fusebox Even Have For A Man?)
- Some Women Who Write Op-Eds About Getting Passed Up For Promotions Are Clearly Actually Bad At Their Jobs And/Or Deeply Annoying To Their Coworkers (You Know The Sort I Mean), So The Real Question Is Not How Do We Get Those Women Promoted But How Do We Prevent Similarly Annoying Men From Getting Promoted, Or Better Yet Remove All Unnecessary Hierarchies From The Workplace
- Is It Possible That I Resent Men Because If I, A Woman, Drank A Finger Of Scotch In My Office, People Would Just Assume That I Was An Alcoholic, As Opposed To A Really Sophisticated Guy?
- No One Thinks I’m Mysterious When I Lean On Things: The Tragedy Of Womanhood
- Sometimes I Think Men And Women Are Basically The Same And Other Times I Think Men Are Worse Than Women And Other Times I Think Women Are Worse Than Men. Murder Statistics Seem To Bear Out Hypothesis #2, But Should I Be Using Broad Demographic Information In That Crude Way? Also Why Do Women Always Want To Take Group Selfies Every Fucking Place We Go?
- (Follow-Up Essay: If I Had A Murder-Penis, Would I Kill Everyone Who Tried To Take A Selfie Near Me?)
- I’ll Come Out And Say It: Everybody Who Shared That “Cat Person” Story Needs To Share At Least One News Article About Asylum-Seekers Fleeing Domestic Violence Or GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
- If A Man Left Me For Another Woman I Would Be Mad But If He Left Me For Another Man I Would Respect That And Probably Be Inappropriately Interested In Their Relationship Going Forward: A Sign Of Internalized Misogyny?
- The Part of Masculinity Where Men Have Beards and Wear Flannel (Provided They Also Know How To Build A Campfire) is Vital and Must Be Preserved At All Costs
- Why We Need To Bring Back Victorian Fashion For Men (And Also Honor Duelling)
- Like Incels Who Believe Society Should Give Them A Girlfriend, I Believe Society Should Force Two Men To Fight To The Death Over Me Whenever I’m Feeling Insecure
- Male Novelists Should Be Banned (Temporarily At First)
- Jocks Are Sexier And More Dateable Than Nerds, Sorry That’s True And It’s Always Been True, If You Want A Girlfriend Maybe You Should Cultivate A Personality Outside Of Pop Culture Objects
- Dear Men, There Actually Is A Flattering Kind Of Catcalling, But If You Don’t Already Know Exactly What I’m Talking About You Definitely Suck At It
- When Walking Down The Street Behind A Woman, Men Should Always Maintain A Distance of 20 Feet Minimum And Bow Their Shoulders In A Diffident Non-Threatening Way And No, There Are No Exceptions For Family
- It’s Not Men’s Fault That They Were Improperly Socialized And Don’t Know How To Process Feelings But Oh My God Were They Improperly Socialized And Don’t Know How To Process Feelings
- Relatedly, Heterosexuality Is A Scam.
- Instead Of Having Two Genders, We Should Just Divide Society Between People Who Are Good At Directions And People Who Are Good At Feelings
- (Counterpoint: “But What About People Who Are Good At Directions And Feelings?” Irrelevant. No Such People Exist)
- (Counterpoint: “But What About People Who Are Not Good At Directions Or Feelings?” In The New Society, They Shall Be Treated Gently, But Also Required To Wear A Small Lapel-Pin That Says ‘Help Me, I’m Lost!’ At All Times)
- Everyone Must Obtain Informed Consent From Their Partners Before Using A Weird Baby Voice With Them
- How Can I Tell The Difference Between Being In Love With A Man And Being Jealous Of His Cool Leather Jacket?
- Do Men Actually Exist, Or Are They Just An Illusion Generated By An Evil A.I.?
- What If There Was Just One Pronoun For Everyone That We All Felt Equally Uncomfortable With?