Current Affairs

Build Your Own All-Purpose Bidenism

Sometimes you need to be Joe Biden at the spur of the moment. We’ve got you covered.

You are Joe Biden. You may not know you are Joe Biden, but that is part of being Joe Biden. You are snoring peacefully in the basement of your Wilmington residence, waiting for someone to activate you. Suddenly, one of your toadies enters. There is a phone call from the Press. A thing has happened. The media needs your comment. What thing? Doesn’t matter, there’s no time. They just need a classic quotable Bidenism on the spot, so that the People will know you are alive and on top of the thing, whatever it is. 

Your Bidenism:

“The thing–the thing you have to understand about America–what America needs is NOUN 1, not NOUN 2. We gotta…we gotta VERB this ADJECTIVE issue. I’ve studied history, and you can’t forget: GARBLE.”

NOUNS

You will need two. Take the first letter of your first name for NOUN 1, then the first letter of your last name for NOUN 2
A. milk
B. ice cream
C. the pool
D. roaches
E. kids
F. girls
G. the Chinese
H. the crisis
I. a problem
J. a yo-yo
K. fat
L. socialism
M. Corn Pop
N. the President
O. FDR
P. World War II
Q. drones
R. a kill list
S. war
T. a position
U. Amtrak
V. Delaware
W. some babe
X. my son
Y. a mistake
Z. America

VERB

Your astrological sign:

  • Aries: hit
  • Taurus: touch
  • Gemini: smell
  • Cancer: sniff
  • Leo: bomb
  • Virgo: figure
  • Libra: beef up
  • Scorpio: fight
  • Sagittarius: attack
  • Capricorn: vote
  • Aquarius: text
  • Pisces: swim

ADJECTIVE

Last digit of your birth year:

  1. young
  2. pretty
  3. clean
  4. articulate
  5. stupid
  6. darn
  7. bad
  8. bright
  9. good-looking
  10. great

GARBLE

How depressed you are right now on a scale of 1-20. 20 is high):

  1. we gotta
  2. see here Jack
  3. it’s malarkey
  4. it’s not gonna happen
  5. it can’t happen
  6. it won’t happen
  7. we have to take care of the cure
  8. no matter what
  9. …what was that?
  10. anyway
  11. that’s totally different
  12. then go vote for Trump
  13. or uh. You know
  14. I never heard of it
  15. I never met her
  16. yes ma’am
  17. I don’t…I don’t remember
  18. give a shot
  19. if we just
  20. gotta together, we can make America, uh

BONUS BIDENISM:

But what if the press asks you a second question? Oh no! You’re plum out of nouns and verbs! That’s ok. Try a full-paragraph garble on for size.

“In America, we get things done. Not because, not only with our words, but actions, and sometimes words too. Because, you know, words are, it’s about how we talk, that’s what makes us great. And listen, bud, if you want to be America, if you want to be great, let me tell you, it’s simple, it’s decent, it’s how we’re gonna do it.”

Art by Jason Adam Katzenstein

Thanks to reader Michael Hurley you can now create your Bidenism interactively!

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