Greetings, faithful readers! We understand that our earlier rankings of Judith and Holofernes struck a certain chord with the public in these trying times. On the theory that there can never, ever be too much of a good thing, we bring you this direct-to-video sequel, JUDITH BEHEADING HOLOFERNES PART 2: THE RECKONING.
Part 1 of our series is here.
10.
Lyta: is that
is that ANOTHER fuckface being dead?
how many fuckfaces are there?
the maid: “hmmm let me count
it’s not ALL men
but it sure is a lot”
Brianna: I don’t even have a joke because I am expending a lot of brain energy trying to figure out whose hand is whose
Lyta: Judith and the maid are so spiritually linked in the quest to kill all men that they have also merged bodies
sorry, MOST men
keep your pants on, bros
Brianna: but not your heads
9.
Lyta: “hark the herald angels sing
a rapist fuck is going down”
Brianna: I like the way she’s getting her fingers riiiiight in his mouth there
Lyta: “you have a bad molar, lemme take care of that for you”
“with this sword”
Brianna: this is before the era of the dentist drill
sometimes you just had to take the whole head
Lyta: in The Past, Stuff Was Gross
like sometimes winged babies watched you kill rapists during dental surgery
Brianna: I Know What You Did Last Assyrian Invasion
8.
Lyta: hush, i’ll tell you a story
about a guy who thought he was going to mess with me
Brianna: from his expression Holofernes looks like he was killed right in the middle of saying “Well isn’t that JUST TYPICAL”
Lyta: WOMEN AM I RIGHT
Brianna: is the maid holding the bag in her teeth
what’s going on there
Lyta: i am getting some kinky vibes between Judith and her maid
and I am for it
Brianna: yeah they’ve got a kind of Thelma and Louise thing going
Lyta: the alternate ending where instead of driving off a cliff they beheaded Brad Pitt
WHERE IS THAT MOVIE
7.
Brianna: you can tell she’s back home at her apartment, lounging around nude—as one does—trying to decide where’s the best place to display the head
“on the pillar…..? hmmmm”
“but then where will I put my vase”
Lyta: “Martha Stewart says to display one’s severed heads in the foyer”
“but I simply have too many”
Brianna: she also looks a little bit like she’s trying to figure out Holofernes’s haircare regimen
“such bouncy curls”
“what product was he using?”
Lyta: actually i think the whole thing may be a Dove ad
real women’s bodies
real severed man’s heads
6.
Brianna: she is clearly doing air quotes there on the side
is she having a casual snarky conversation with someone off-frame
while brandishing a recently-severed head?
Lyta: this “invader” thought he would “colonize” my “hometown” and also my “body”
but who’s got a “body” now am i right
Brianna: love the whole outfit too
nothing says murder time like a green tutu
and a toilet paper headdress
Lyta: the most important aspect of fashion is wearing something that makes you feel comfortable in your body
while you sever someone else from his
5.
Lyta: is that a pyrex pan?
Brianna: LASAGNE TIME
they had a potluck to go to right after this
Lyta: *martha stewart voice* just add ricotta and a dash of rosemary, and you have the perfect rustic dinner dish
Brianna: is it just me or does it look like Holofernes’s semi-animated body is trying to feed itself grapes in the place where his mouth used to be
Lyta: he died as he lived
trying to possess what he couldn’t handle
Brianna: I am concerned about the giant monster that seems to be lurking round the corner though
Lyta: yeah what is that thing? a giant walnut with arms?
Brianna: this fresco is from the Sistine Chapel
so it must symbolize that in the kingdom of heaven there will be neither servant nor free, walnut nor man
Lyta: definitely not man
4.
Brianna: okay I am starting to notice a pattern here
Holofernes’s recurring self-defense posture is always, like, one seductively raised knee, one wistfully outstretched arm
what the fuck are they teaching them in Assyrian military school
Lyta: and people say we don’t write enough about foreign affairs
Brianna: also, an important detail here
you might THINK that Judith’s top just fell off in the struggle
but she is wearing her sword belt directly over her bare chest
she came topless and besworded ON PURPOSE
Lyta: and holofernes is STILL trying to check her out
Brianna: she’s angling him away though
Lyta: the male gaze and the female lol nope
3.
Lyta: “here, you throw this out”
Brianna: wow this has the least Holofernes of any Judith and Holofernes painting we’ve seen
we get one foot and the back of a head
Lyta: “Holofernes, this isn’t even about you”
“you are not the protagonist of this story”
Brianna: shout out to the fact that the maid is in trousers this time
she’s gotta dash all over town disposing of body parts, she can’t be arsed to worry about whether her skirt is riding up
Lyta: both Judith and the maid have such long-suffering looks
this ain’t their first murder rodeo
Brianna: yeah they’ve probably pulled this ruse in a lot of military encampments
Lyta: would watch the fuck out of that show
2.
Lyta: another Where’s Holofernes
this painting is just titled “Judith and the Perfect Skirt”
Brianna: oh man she looks like she’s posing for the cover of TIME magazine
Lyta: WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Brianna: she got 10,000 marriage proposals after this cover dropped
Lyta: judith sighs “that’s 3,947 heads to chop”
(the other proposals were women, and she accepted them all)
1.
Lyta: that’s right folks it’s ANOTHER JUDITH PAINTING BY ARTEMISIA
“sir? sir? you’re dead. i’m going to have to ask you to stop fucking talking”
Brianna: maid: “hey can you POINT THAT SWORD SOMEWHERE ELSE THANKS”
Lyta: there is less solidarity here than in the other Artemisia
they both look tired and pissed
as if they’ve fucking had enough
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Brianna: an important lesson
the work can be tiring
it’s not all fun and hacking heads, sometimes it’s the grueling mopping-up process
Lyta: organizing is hard work
you got to plan the murder
you got to bag the head
you got to place the head on a pillar in your foyer where all who enter can see
Brianna: “look upon my works, ye men
and freak the fuck out”
* Once again we doff our caps to Daniel Mallory Ortberg, who pioneered the genre of Silly Paintings Rankings. This is now step two of our insanely elaborate plan to lure him into writing for us.
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