In a child’s concentration camp (a.k.a. “baby jail”) switch the children’s coloring paper for blank signed release orders.
Have everyone crossing the border dress as a CBP agent. When encountering real CBP agents, accuse them of being impostors and demand to see their paperwork.
Offer a celebration in ICE/CBP’s honor. When the agents arrive, deport them to a random country.
Slowly move the border fence, inch by inch, until Mexico recaptures all of its former territory.
Switch ICE’s deliberately muddled list of separated parents and children with an accurate list, so that ICE ends up reunifying the correct parents with the correct children by accident.
Replace incarcerated toddlers with robots programmed by immigration lawyers. When the children have to defend themselves alone in court, they end up stumping the judge with brilliant arguments.
Alter the deportation charter plane’s flight plan so that it goes to Norway instead. When the flight arrives, all the immigrants will be financially supported. The ICE agents will be prosecuted and quickly rehabilitated in Norwegian jail.
Hack ICE’s databases…
…so that the “illegal immigrants” they’re hunting for turn out to be members of the ICE agents’ own families.
Put the Treaty of Guadalupe in the “to shred” tray.
Find an enormous trench coat. Go to a baby jail, release all the children at once, and stack them within the trench coat to form one giant, terrifying person that roams America, terrorizing the populace.
Call ICE and CBP agents “mall cops” until they cry.
Make them contemplate the horror of their deeds.
Abolish ICE and CBP. Open the borders.
