Heartwarming Tales of Capitalism Gone Right

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America’s Prisoners Got Talent(ed Friends)

The inmates at Reagacorp Debtors’ Prison might be behind bars for failing to pay up, but one classroom of local third graders decided to pay it forward by putting on a talent show to buy phone cards for the delinquent debtors! The heartwarming spectacle featured juggling, gymnastics, and even a magic act—which earned the kids $100 in donations, enough for almost 10 minutes of calling time!

Rock and Rollllllll, Rachel!

For the last five years, Rachel Gutierrez has been doing double shifts at the Dairy Queen to pay for a very special present to herself. “I have a degenerative nerve condition in my legs,” says Rachel, “and a wheelchair would help me get around without such terrible pain.” Patience is a virtue, it seems, because Rachel just got the final $500 she needed! In a surprise ceremony, her boss revealed he’d been helping her save up over the years and had decided to give her a loyalty bonus, in a move he said was unrelated to his pending charges for wage theft.

Good Old American Hustle

For inner city coders, the Hungry Hungry Hackathon is a chance to show their chops (and hopefully make a connection or two). But for James Kim, Chris DiAngelo, and Sam Hableh, the hackathon turned out to be the opportunity of a lifetime. Not only did their app win first prize, it also won them the attention of tech billionaire Josh von Josherjosh, who offered the friends 50-year contracts on the spot. Thanks to an obscure clause in the entry form they’d signed, it was an offer they couldn’t refuse!

The Real Mr. Clean

When you walk into the gentleman’s room at Duke Frederickson’s Premier Leisure Club, the first thing you notice is the row of rare animal heads on the wall. The next thing: the magnificent ivory toilet in each mahogany-paneled stall. The opulence is so overwhelming you might not give a second thought to the wizened old attendant handing you a towel. But Albert Rubenstein, who just celebrated his 100th birthday, prefers it that way, probably. Keep those commodes sparkling, Albert!

Here, Kitty Kitty!

Billy Jenkins, seven, always told his mom how much he wanted a kitten. But when she died after contracting COVID-19, Billy thought his dream had died, too. Not so fast, champ! His mom’s supervisor at the meatpacking plant surprised Billy yesterday with a four-week-old kitten of his very own! The man said it was “the least I could do” after refusing to provide Billy’s mother with PPE and denying her request for unpaid sick leave once her symptoms became untenable.

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Announcing Our Newest Issue


A superb summer issue containing our "defense of graffiti," a dive into British imperialism, a look at the politics of privacy, the life of Lula, and a review of "the Capitalist Manifesto." Plus: see the Police Cruiser of the Future, read our list of the summer's top songs, and find out what to fill your water balloons with. It's packed with delights!

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