Redacted Excerpts From the Kavanaugh Hearing

A (completely satirical and therefore non-libelous) transcript of unreleased portions of his testimony.

On Thursday, September 27th, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee to address the sexual assault accusations levied against him. The hearing was made public in what watchers presumed was a live and complete broadcast. The next morning, however, a knowledgeable source at C-SPAN reached out to Current Affairs with shocking information. According to our source, Judge Kavanaugh and the Committee returned to the chambers a few minutes before the lunch break concluded. Senate aides immediately locked out the press, claiming that a privileged conversation was to ensue. The Committee then proceeded to interrogate Judge Kavanaugh off the record. We have obtained verified audio of this exchange, and believe the American public deserves to see this secret portion of the hearing. We present the transcript in its entirety.

SEN. FEINSTEIN: Now, as we go through these yearbooks and your calendars, we have a few more questions in regards to some…unusual slang…Judge Kavanaugh, below this photo of you with Mark Judge, it says, “Summer Break Blackouts ‘82”. Can you tell us what that means?

JUDGE KAVANAUGH: You should know, Senator Feinstein, that in the early ‘80s the Bethesda power grid was only operating intermittently. Or you WOULD know, if you weren’t from San Francisco.

REPUBLICAN ONLOOKERS: Oooooh.

SEN. WHITEHOUSE: On this calendar page, here…what’s “chug chug chug”?

KAVANAUGH:: Clearly it’s a train, senator. Metro D.C. is a major rail corridor.

SEN. KLOBUCHAR: That makes sense. Moving on. Can you explain “roofies”?

KAVANAUGH: It’s an innocent church game where you chuck quarters onto the cathedral roof! It’s a way of praising God by giving him money. Did YOU ever play roofies, Senator?

KLOBUCHAR: That’s not…

KAVANAUGH: Are you going to tell me you never played roofies, Senator? You never worshipped God by adding to the value of his house?

SEN. DURBIN Moving on. What’s “spit-roasting”?

KAVANAUGH: Why, it’s just a fun summer cookout.

DURBIN: I suppose that’s possible…What’s “two in the pink, one in the stink”?

KAVANAUGH: You know, I worked my ass off to get to Yale. My ASS off. You may think that’s irrelevant here, but, uh…it’s disrespectful to the women at Yale, you know, my classmates, bringing up all this stuff. I can name them, I can name my classmates. Monica. Erica, who’s been by my side, supporting me. Rita, Tina, Sandra…Sandra went to the beach with us a lot. Mary, uh, Jessica…Jessica is here right now. Wave hi, Jessica. No. That’s too much. Stop waving.

KLOBUCHAR: If you respected your women classmates so much, what’s this “Renate Alumnius” business all about?

KAVANAUGH: Senator, first, let me reiterate: I have always treated my women with dignity and respect, dignity and respect, and you especially, Senator. Secondly, I’m offended by the idiocy of your questions. No offense intended, of course. If you take offense, ask yourself why you’re trying to bring a good man down through your unconscionable offense.

KLOBUCHAR: I’m not…look, can you just answer the question? What did you and your classmates mean by “Renate Alumnius”?

KAVANAUGH: “Renate Alumnius” is a spell in the Harry Potter books, Senator. Harry Potter came out when I was 18, the same year they lowered the drinking age.

KLOBUCHAR: I don’t think that’s—

KAVANAUGH: EXCUSE ME. I KNOW ABOUT BOOKS. I WENT TO YALE.

WHITEHOUSE: Can you tell us what the “ralph club” is?

KAVANAUGH: Well, [laughter], it feels a bit shameful now, but when I was a young student, working 26-hour shifts at the soup kitchen, I was briefly a Naderite.

REPUBLICAN ONLOOKERS: [COLLECTIVE GASP]

FEINSTEIN: Could we have some decorum, please? Let’s all remember to respect our norms! Judge Kavanaugh, what’s a “keg”?

KAVANAUGH: Keg was a friend of mine. We called him Keg because he…uh…you know, it’s cruel to make fun of a man for his drinking problem. How DARE you, Senator?

DURBIN: What’s “space docking”?

KAVANAUGH: Uh, “space docking” is…how we used to play Starfox. Down at the old arcade. I used to go there nights, after my job singing hymns to puppies at the animal shelter. It’s all in my calendar. You see, when I wrote “pitchin it to bitches”, that meant “singing hymns to puppies.”

FEINSTEIN: What is a “Hot Richard”?

KAVANAUGH: He was our quarterback. Sometimes we called him Carl. I’m not sure why [laughs]. Kids, right?

KLOBUCHAR: What’s a “happy ending”?

KAVANAUGH: The type of movies I like. Don’t you like happy movies, Senator? Or do you prefer elitist art-house movies where everyone cries?

KLOBUCHAR: Elitist? You went to Yale—

KAVANAUGH: I WENT TO YALE!

WHITEHOUSE: He did go to Yale. As did I. It’s a fine institution that produces honorable men. And women…Although I never heard this particular phrase at Yale, or in prep school… Anyway, Judge Kavanaugh, what’s a “Cleveland Steamer?”

KAVANAUGH: Senator, I used to overnight my dry cleaning to a woman in Northern Ohio. That income helped put her kids through college. We STILL keep in touch. Don’t you think hard-working women should be allowed to put their kids through college? Don’t you, Senator?

KLOBUCHAR: Enough of this. In your yearbook, I’m seeing multiple references to a lemon party—

KAVANAUGH: That’s self-explanatory, Senator! It’s a contest to see who can eat the most lemons without ralphing—I mean, vomiting. It’s a church thing. Maybe YOU never attended church, Senator, but I did. It was automatic, like brushing my teeth. I didn’t even think about what was being said. Did YOU ever attend church, Senator? Answer the question.

KLOBUCHAR: This is getting out of hand…

KAVANAUGH: NO. You’re going to drag my good name through the mud? You’re going to claim that I—I, a YALE ALUMNIUS, am NOT an upstanding moral citizen? No, no, I won’t allow it [crosstalk]. NO. Here. I’ll give you the rest. “Joints”? That’s about my carpentry skills. LIKE JESUS’. “Reefer”? Senators, I have always been fascinated by coral. Everyone who knows me will attest to that! “Speedballing”? That’s a game with a tennis ball, a drinking game…  “Pussy”? Senators, if adopting stray kittens is a crime, then lock me up. Lock me up! “Muff diving”? That’s when a lady loses her muff in the snow and you gallantly kneel to retrieve it… “Glory hole” is the box where they keep the Eucharist, AT CHURCH, you monsters… “Devil’s Triangle” is the instrument I played in college band, I was a devil of a triangle player….“Skis”—we used to go over to Timmy’s house in the summer to try on skis as practice for Aspen…no, we couldn’t actually ski in the summertime, or inside Timmy’s house, but…

[crosstalk]

KLOBUCHAR: Just this entry. THIS ONE! In your calendar. Explain it.

KAVANAUGH: “Two girls one cup”…uh…that summer, at the beach house, I had only one drinking glass for two female guests. I could only afford that cup through working my ASS off at twelve different jobs, including the one where I brought puppies to the soup kitchen…I mean I sang hymns to disadvantaged homeless infants…I mean I re-roofed the cathedral with roofies and joints….I mean—look. Those two ladies, my honored guests at the beach house? They were both NUNS. NOVICE NUNS. No, don’t look up their names! Don’t try to contact them…don’t bring this up and drag them through it! They don’t want to talk. They’ve taken a vow of silence. They don’t know what all these phrases mean. I mean, I don’t! I’m a good church boy…I mean, I do know! These are all good words, respectful words. I’m a good boy [sobbing]. I’m a good boy.

Read our other (serious) articles about Kavanaugh here and here

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