The cutting off of heads is generally considered unseemly, but in any civilized society it’s occasionally necessary. The “who” question is easily answered, but the “how” question is trickier. A guillotine, yes, but which? Fortunately, in today’s market economy, there is a guillotine to suit every taste and personality.
Are you a first-time guillotine-buyer who can’t make beheads or betails of all the options? Or are you just ready to upgrade from that avocado-colored Slice-o-matic from the 1970s? The technology for chopping off the heads of the bourgeois oppressors may not have changed much since the late 18th century, but the features and design have gone through a revolution (if you will).
Without further ado, we invite you to check out our top five guillotines of 2020. Our most attentive consumer reporters have reviewed all the season’s latest models, so that when the revolution comes, you won’t find yourself unprepared—or unstylish.
1. The Glam-otine
More like the heads that fell to earth! This rockstar rig slashes through spines in what Pitchfork calls “an aspirational yet haunting metaphor for alienation.” It also does so literally.
2. The Guillotini
When quarantine ends, what better way to celebrate than on the rooftop of your building with gin martinis, your fellow renters, and your landlord resting comfortably in the Guillotini’s padded lunette (because he’s been drugged before the main event)?
Note: alcohol and sedation agent not included.
3. The Slicey Boi
The most popular model among millennials and zoomers. Billionaires’ necks go brrrr.
4. The Me-otine
It happens. You think you hate the rich, and you do, but when you look at the raw numbers it turns out you totally qualify as a member of the 1 percent. “But I inherited that lake house from my uncle! Those are his oil stocks!” Yeah, well, you’d better give it all up or you’re going to have to give it all up, if you know what we mean.
5. The Baby Yoda
Everybody loves Baby Yoda! This mini guillotine comes with an animatronic, life-sized, cuddly Baby Yoda that approvingly drinks real bone broth while you remove fingers from overpaid Disney execs until they agree to pay their fucking workers.