IN A BREAK WITH CONVENTION,
THE EDITORIAL BOARD HAS CHOSEN THREE SEPARATE CANDIDATES
FOR LOUISIANA COMPTROLLER OF MID-SIZED DRAINAGE PONDS.
THE CANDIDATES ARE:
PIERRE HARLEQUIN “THE BAYOU BISCUIT” DUDEVEREAUXBOIS
JOHN “THE MANATEE” LAROUX
Louisiana voters must choose between three sharply divergent visions of the future.
Following the mysterious death in 2019 of Maltham Berry, the incumbent Comptroller of Mid-Sized Drainage Ponds, the state is sizzling with anticipation over the upcoming election for his now-vacant seat. An unprecedented number of candidates have stepped forward to fill Mr. Berry’s fabulous fur-lined shoes, though perhaps half of those candidates suffered unfortunate fatal accidents within one to two weeks of their announcements. The field is wide and raucous, and as one of Louisiana’s most beloved publications, we know that the world has been waiting with bated breath to see which of the many, many candidates for this position will receive the Current Affairs octopus of approval.
It was a privilege for us on the editorial board to spend more than a thousand hours talking to candidates, asking them any question that came to mind, from “what is your plan for defeating the Sewage Monster of Baton Rouge” to “where did you get such an unusual hat?” The history of the editorial board would suggest that we would side squarely with the candidate with “good ideas” or “a strong moral vision.” But in the end we got very tired from asking the questions, and extremely distracted by all the hats.
That’s why we’re endorsing three separate candidates for Louisiana Comptroller of Mid-Sized Drainage Ponds. They are Pierre Harlequin “The Bayou Biscuit” DuDevereauxBois, John “The Manatee” LaRoux, and current U.S. Presidential candidate John Delaney.
Pierre Harlequin “The Bayou Biscuit” DuDevereauxBois
A veteran Louisiana politician and highly respected criminal, Monsieur Biscuit is a gifted storyteller. He speaks elegantly of how the economic system is rigged against the wealthiest Americans, and of “our chance to rewrite the rules of power, so I can finally have a jacuzzi full of cherryade in my office,” as he put it in a speech last month. His campaign’s plans, in general, demonstrate a serious approach to policy-making that some of the other candidates lack. Monsieur Biscuit accurately describes a lack of on-channel detention ponds in the New Orleans area, and he has proposed both increases in government funding for pond construction, and changes in regulatory policy to allow him to legally rent out Louisiana’s sewage ditches as lazy rivers for children’s parties.
Monsieur Biscuit’s path to the nomination is challenging, but not hard to envision. There are plenty of Biscuit fans who are hungry for major change, and it has been estimated by some pollsters that up to 22 percent of all Louisiana residents are, in fact, currently working for Monsieur Biscuit as some category of hired goon. Eagle-eyed readers of Current Affairs’ print magazine will know that in late 2019, we actually endorsed Monsieur Biscuit as the one and only candidate we felt the people of Louisiana could trust. Nonetheless, it is clear that many moderate voters are concerned about the numerous blips in his career, such as the out-of-state charges of grand larceny on an airboat, accusations of involvement in highly complex postal scams, trade in illegal cat bracelets, and his conviction in winter 2019 for “attempted theft of a swamp.”
It’s good news, then, that John “The Manatee” LaRoux has emerged as a powerful rival to Monsieur Biscuit, who we would also like to endorse because making decisions is hard and we are tired.
John “The Manatee” LaRoux
The Lafayette-born heir to a crayfish-farm fortune is the very definition of moderation. He only has six nemeses. He has consistently refused to spend more than 15 percent of his income on bribes. Like The Bayou Biscuit, he fills his jacuzzis with cherryade, but insists it should always be diet.
When Manatee fell victim last year to a highly suspicious illness, it would have been easy to point fingers at Monsieur Biscuit, who has considered Manatee one of his greatest enemies since losing a game of Cajun billiards to him in 1997. (Cajun billiards was later banned on the grounds of cruelty to animals, since the loser has to put a live shrimp up his nose.) But Manatee, ever the gentleman, has never had anything but kind words for Monsieur Biscuit, even after Biscuit sent him a bespoke alligator-skin coffin “in jest.”
Manatee’s plans for Louisiana’s drainage ponds are perfectly positioned to please both the hard-headed pond abolitionists, and the more cautious anti-pond moderates. Those who are pro-pond, and pro-bodies of water in general, may find themselves somewhat at odds with Manatee’s vision, but will hopefully be mollified by his promise to send a brown paper bag full of crayfish to all state residents by summer 2021.
Current U.S. Presidential Candidate John Delaney
We just thought it would be nice for him to have something to do.
There will be those dissatisfied that this page is not throwing its weight behind a single candidate, favoring centrists or openly corrupt playboys. But it’s a fight Louisiana itself has been itching to have, and one that should be played out in the public arena and in the privacy of the voting booth. Besides, as we cannot stress enough, we were very tired and didn’t really want to have to think too hard about it.
May the best crook win.